before I Shut my eyes

I’ve been talking to ex-convicts day in day out, been listening to recordings night in night out, been detecting trends and patterns sometime here and sometime there. It is surprising how exhausted I feel after each session. An hour per person and I feel entirely drained, like the essence of life is being sucked out of me. I sat in Starbucks today, sinking into the couch, sipping Honey Orange Mocha, staring into space, watching people pass, gazing at the sky. All I register are colours, movements, shapes, nothing defined and concrete. It’s as if I were sitting inside a vacuum watching some form of life played out on a plasma screen with a glass panel separating the screen and my being. In my business these days, I feel more at ease and at peace though. I guess it comes with being clear about what I want, what I don’t, and ultimately forming more meaningful relationships with people who matter.

I'M ALIVE

Deadlines make me work hard and I'm happy when I'm busy. Sociology is beautiful!

Beyond a Distant Star

Words are very important to me and it’s a powerful medium that reaches to the core of my soul. My interest and fascination in poetry began when I discovered that poems are open to interpretation and can be read in as many ways as one chooses to read it. I like the ambiguity because nobody knows exactly what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. Tonight, I’m not interested in writing poetry or fictitious letters. I guess my writing acts as an open declaration so that I would be hard on myself to stick to the decisions I’ve made. Tonight marks a closed chapter and the finality of the night is accentuated because it ended where things first began. The disbelief and pain came two years late, but it feels as raw as an open wound. This sudden turn of events once again reminds me that I’m as fragile as anyone else though I choose to believe that I’m special: calm, collected, and wise, unlike the run-of-the-mill girl. But this slap-in-the-face realization is also a discovery that whatever was shared was real and sweet, which makes memories doubly painful.

Somehow I draw people to share their pain with me and I easily dispense advice to them. I listen, empathize and advise. It is almost second nature. But when it’s my turn to be thrown off boat, my faith is clouded by doubts. There are so many times when Paul has scooped me up before I fall further. I remember every single call he gave because there aren’t many and he only appears to call during my crisis moments: that afternoon when I was plagued by stress in school, the morning I laid in bed when I was severely ill, the night before my exams, and tonight at midnight. I am always amazed by his discernment and timely calls in which I don’t say much. I listen, nod and occasionally murmur a ‘Yes’ to indicate that I’m still on the line. But somewhere in that unspoken silence, there is a quiet understanding.

When we hung up, I thought about my interviews with the ex-convicts and it doesn’t trivialize the issues I deal with but it makes me feel that there life is bountiful. I can’t remember much of the long conversation with Paul except this line he said, “You pray, believe and things will be alright”. Tomorrow I wake to a brand new day and a fresh new start. Though I know that it is a closed chapter, I am left with the most beautiful and irreplaceable memories of those two and a half years and there is no better way for a closure.

It's a Foucauldian Red Dot

"One must understand human nature. I have always thought that humanity was animal-like. The Confucian theory was man could be improved, but I'm not sure he can be. He can be trained, he can be disciplined."

-MM Lee

"Out of the night that covers me"

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley





Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.



It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-------

There are too many things we can do with our life which makes choosing rightly so important. Just that, sometimes... it's a fine line between right and wrong.

Itsy Bitsy Spider Climbing Up the Wall

Hi all,

Thanks for any form of support you've rendered towards my "Letter Templates" project. From telling me that it's an awesome idea to telling me that you'd buy my book if I published, thank you! Your kind words have been very encouraging.

Recently, I discovered this Aussie writer: David Thorne who has a similar idea, just that his correspondences were for real! I cracked up reading all of them! Check out his site at 27bslash6 and have a good laugh. : )

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html
Here's one on an overdue payment which he eventually published in a book called, "the internet is a playground".

Another funny one:

http://www.27bslash6.com/cups.html

Letter Template on "Recoveries"

Dear Bed Sheet,



To your question on my inversed biological clock, I admit that I’m afraid to turn the lights off to go to bed. I’m more afraid that in the darkness I would not be sleeping but would instead be trying hard to fall asleep. With the lamp turned on and the music playing, I have companionship. I can pick up the papers or a book anytime to distract myself. My days feel as though I’m on a horse and all I want to do is to continue galloping with my horse through the fields in such a speed that every colour becomes a white. I need a tight reign on myself so that I wouldn’t slip off the horse because I wouldn’t know where I would fall.

I flick the table lamp off only when I am completely worn out, when the horse reaches a point where she can no longer move an inch. Only then in my drugged out fatigue can I climb to bed. When I wake the following morning, I immediately continue my horse riding adventures so that thinking becomes impossible with everything flashing by. Eventually, I would return some time to myself and that is when I can go to bed earlier with the lights switched off. Then, I’d be able to confront everything with a smile and have a good night’s rest.


Love,
Owner

Reminders I need in Life

-Pst Phil Pringle

Gosh...

This guy has such STRANGE expressions....



A lil' freaky but his good voice redeems him! Talented people (writers, musicians, politicians, artists) are always either incredibly weird or extremely depressed and they somehow die young... Someone please tell me I'm mistaken.

Letter Template on "Changes"

Dear Ched,

When you said you saw a light from my window and wanted to give me a ring, I chocked on my tears. It was a little melodramatic. I felt as though I was acting out a scene in a movie with my sudden surge of emotions. The only difference is that I wasn't acting and it was reality for me.

 When I look out of my window, I’m sometimes reminded of your distant outline in the night street light and the immense comfort it gave me. There is still the dim orange glow from the street lamp and the shadows of leaves dancing around in the night wind. Someday when I move away, I’d gradually get acquainted with a new window view. But I don’t think I’ll ever forget this particular view.

Love,
Jayne

Letter Template on "Starting It Right"

Dear Georgia,


I know your name because I saw it on your tag when you came over to take my order for a Strawberry Margarita. You asked if I would like it “Frozen?” and I kept silent. I paused because for those few seconds, it seemed as if you were describing my current state of mind. “Yes, frozen please” came my reply. I drank and I felt so cold in that dark space with people dancing and screaming, “Happy New Year!”

My fingers were like icicles set upon the steering wheel as I was driving home. Then, I saw the moon. It was the roundest that I’ve ever seen and it was so bright. Its brightness set against the black sky made the shadows within well defined. I’ve not made any New Year resolutions but something in the brightness of the moon made me decide that I was going to start my year right.

Love,
Matthew

The Magic Thread

"Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually happiness in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile."            -William J. Bennett

Stars