Tender Moments

I feel guilty being online now because there is so much untouched work, papers to write, readings to be done and I am unable to suppress the urge to translate this week into words.

I learnt about “Critical Moments” last semester, it defines that one transitionary point in your life where a particular incident hits you and changes your course of life forever. If I could construct my own list of concepts, the first on my list would be “Tender Moments”. It is that solitary moment when you seek shelter from the rest of the world, where there is no need to talk, there is just you and your weightless thoughts that can venture as far as they can possibly go. It is that moment when you reflect, sitting or standing, in your room, in a place away from people, in your own personal boundary. It is also that moment that gels all of humans’ hearts together. No matter how you present yourself to the world, chatty, giggly, grumpy, or angsty, everyone shares this same moment of quiet thinking, where for that single moment, we all become the same, when we lose the need to argue or the need to pretend, or the need to be somebody, and find ourselves in quiet reflection.

So I sit here, cross-legged, fan blowing my toes cold, with a hot cup of green tea beside me. Doing field research in this quaint little charming place in Singapore has been tiring but immensely satisfying, I did not expect it to be as such, -like an exploratory journey, venturing along streets talking to random people, perfect strangers, finding out a bit more about this and a little about that. Relatives and friends always ask me, “And what can you do?” I am always taken aback because to me there are infinite possibilities and “can” should be replaced by “would”. I am beginning to see Sociology less as an academic discipline, less as a gateway to bright career prospects but more as a way of thinking that changes my vision of the world. I am sure C Wright Mills would be jumping with joy if he reads this and I truly feel that once equipped with the sociological imagination, one starts observing things that were left unnoticed previously, picks up certain nuances, looks at the world in an entirely different manner. It saddens me to think that when I graduate and have no papers to write, I might stop doing stuff like this.

I am terrible at making decisions and it seems like a plague that stays with me because I am always finding myself having to make some kind of choice and being unable to come to any form of conclusion. I don’t know when I made up my mind, I have been praying for a word from God, a sign, a revelation, something. Maybe it was after last night, or watching the video again this morning, somewhere in between I have subconsciously decided. But in full consciousness, I know it wouldn’t be easy and tonight I experienced the first waves of that. This feeling is strangely familiar, it reminds me of the time when I started going to church and the difficulties I experienced in so doing, but it is also the time when I feel that I am closest to God. Last two weeks, I felt that my spiritual life was stagnating, like I have lost that connection somehow. Ironically, at this point when I know I am not relying on my own strength, I think I have found that connection again. Tonight, standing and facing the wind, I prayed for peace, and peace only.