The heart never lies

These nights I fall asleep with my computer on, table lamp on, blanket uncovered, and wake up in the early morning hours, full of energy, sitting up, thinking very hard what I was doing before I slip into these accidental naps.

It rained today, the whole of the day, and I found out that the sky is white when it pours. White as a sheet of paper, with no clouds in sight at all, so white that you can’t quite see where the droplets come from, they just start in mid-air and fall everywhere.

I am getting an overload of information from everywhere, I don’t even know what to call it, information is an inaccurate word for whatever it should be called. I spoke to a woman for my paper who told me flatly that Easter and Christmas aren’t found in the bible, that Jesus wasn’t born on the twenty-fifth of December. I am struggling with criticisms of the church, half-truths which puts me up in defense against strong convictions that makes me weary and confused at the end of the day. I am seeking and desiring God, all the time wanting encounters of sorts. The first few times when I went to church, each service was a dialogue with God because the message, week after week, was something I needed to know right then.

My hand was held but somewhere in between, I think I have lost touch and my hand was against air. Last week, after bible study, I asked how do you know when it is God speaking to you and when it is your own intuition, or how do you know certain signs are from Him, when is it not just a matter of personal judgment or misinterpretations. And after talking for a while, perhaps to comfort, the friend I spoke to said, “You are a form of encouragement for me too, the way you seek Him”. But I am discouraged; I want Him to be real, more real, as real as real can be. And I am waiting, thinking maybe it is all a matter of time, or a test of patience. I noted this down in my handphone while watching Jack Neo’s Ah Long movie: Before God entrusts you, you will be tested on your endurance. And this note keeps popping out, before God entrusts you, before God entrusts you.

When do I know it is God speaking to me and when it is not floaty thoughts? I constantly ask this question, mostly to myself. And I found the answer to this question. Yet the answer is ambiguous, I just know when I know, there is no better way to put it. On Monday night, I went shopping for a gift for a friend going overseas. I intended to get him a book, but settled on a CD instead. And I purchased this book called “Listening to God” because the title sounded interesting. I don’t know if it is a good book, if the author is renown, I don’t know who the Shakespeares or John Donnes are. As I read the first few pages today, I smiled and I know this is it, this is when He is speaking to me, this book is written for me, specific advice on every insecurity, and specific answers to questions.

It’s starting to drizzle again, and the air smells of primary school days, early mornings waiting for the school bus to roll in, in this same cool air.