Walking on Water

Sometime ago, maybe a year ago or maybe two, I read a friend’s blog. She was a young Christian then and she posted biblical verses, she spoke of how God is her everything, and as I scrolled up and down, I remembered thinking these thoughts: how malleable her mind is, how she has allowed herself be drawn into a current of emotions, how mentally weak she was such that she needed an illusion to hold on dearly to.

Now, a year or maybe two later, there are times when a verse speaks to me, or when I see how God is working His way in my life, little happenings which I would regard as pure coincidences in the past that I want to document here in this virtual space but I am always hesitant. There is a fear that people reading this would come to think of me as a changed person, suddenly spiritual, having such a “malleable mind”, and such uneasiness turns into inhibitions.

In fact, I sense many changes in my life, subtle but significant, how I go to sleep in prayer and wake up seeking Him, how He has become such a constant presence; it is like having someone there I can communicate with all the time. It is amazingly frightening, when I think about it sometimes, how my perception on things has changed within such a short span of time.

And I am writing this now, well aware that there would be another someone like me, reading this, having those same thoughts I had then. But still, I want to document moments like now, when I listen to this song and “where would I be without You here in my life” resonates with me. As I witness the transformation within myself, moving from a skeptic to a believer, I realize that my fear of writing such “spiritual stuff” comes not so much from being weary of the judgments of others, but from a fear that I would not be able to prove God’s greatness and that my writing can do little to convince others. I sigh as I type this line, because there really is a limit to these words, these black alphabets on this white screen and I truly feel that it is only through personal experience that can one feel His tangible presence. All we need is an opening of the heart.