Someday we'll know

A friend gave me a bar of chocolate on a night when I needed comfort, only he didn’t know I needed it.

I am quite a master of emotions, I have learnt to artfully show whatever I want to be presented. I control the tone of my voice, the questions I ask, the thoughts that seem to be in my mind. It is not a pretentious attempt, but a desire to remain functional when everyone continues running along. There are roles to be played, responsibilities to be fulfilled, and I can’t stop short at the side of the tracks, waiting for my eyes to no longer sting each time a fresh supply of wind arrives. Managing emotions so skillfully also means the pain hits doubly hard in solitude. The immediate remembrance of sadness after companionship reminds me of this line I’ve read somewhere, “I know I am living because I have a heart and I feel it breaking”.

I think the only time I don’t have a firm hold of my emotions is when I sing a worship song, and feel the tears coming before I know there are tears to be shed. Then I know that everything only builds me up to be stronger.

If I were a confused passenger taken on a long ride, the biggest relief is that I am not lost in the jungle. I get off the swirls and turns of the journey simply by hopping off the train, and walking to my destination. Perhaps I still don’t know where I am heading, but I’m doing the directing now. The scenery captured along the way, the rows of trees that flashed past through the glass windows, the feel of the pebbles and little rocks that the train grinds through are over. Now walking, I enjoy the feel of the soles of my shoes touching the tarmac road and study the different greenness of the trees for as long as I want to.

That night, I kept the bar of chocolate in my fridge, announcing that this is my comfort food reserved for the next time I feel sad again.

My first day of school begins tomorrow. I am excited, and full of genuine anticipation. Every single one of the modules I am doing this semester is of interest to me, and I am back to doing the things I love and enjoy. I've decided to peel off the silver foil for the next time I feel an immeasurable amount of joy because from behind I heard, “there is no again, and no more sadness”.